


Aggie and Earnie's Big Bogus Journey Adventure

by PinkCoffeeMosquitoJelly



Category: Fail_Fandomanon RPF, Historical RPF
Genre: Cannibalism, Complete And Total Historical Accuracy, Crossover, Deliberate Badfic, Deliberately Bad Fanart, Everything Is Better With Elephants, F/F, I Made Nonnies Do It, Language Barrier, M/M, Nonnies Made Me Do It, Stop Saying It's A Placeholder You Liars, This Is Not A Placeholder, Time Travel, Totally Totally Not A Placeholder For Realz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-19 21:39:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3625158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkCoffeeMosquitoJelly/pseuds/PinkCoffeeMosquitoJelly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Bogus" is another word for "elephant" right?</p>
<p>White is the color of death.  Remember that because it will be important.</p>
<p>Also guys boop dicks and an elephant explodes.  Not necessarily in that order.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aggie and Earnie's Big Bogus Journey Adventure

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fireinthedark](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireinthedark/gifts).



> I was really excited about getting to write about The Tempest for you but you said not to so I was sad for a while but finally I got over how intrusive and gross it was to write about real people and I wrote a whole story about OAA and OEA getting to meet Hannibal and Scipio I swear but there was a part with ghosts and it was so scary the whole story died and became a ghost and now only people who can see dead people can see it because it is dead and a ghost. I'm not lying and this story is not a placeholder. This happens all the time and no one ever believes me and I hope you can see dead people even though sometimes they're probably gross looking because then you'll know I'm not lying and the story I wrote for you is really here and not just a placeholder. If you can't see dead people please try to find someone who can to read it to you instead of telling the mods. Thank you for being so understanding. :) <3 :) <3 :) <3

* * *

Hannibal Barca and Scipio Africanus were arguing about who had the best pubes again.

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This had been going on for so long that everyone around them started calling it the second pubic wars because this happened once before and they had called that the first pubic wars because even back then everyone knew this was not going to be a one time deal.

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"You're so obsessed with my pubes that means your totes gay for me!" Hannibal shouted wittily.

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"Am not" Scipio Africanus shouted back sassily but the single manly crystal tear sliding down his cheek said otherwise.

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"Otherwise!" shouted the tear. "Otherwise! Otherwise!"

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"I just thought you should know that my pubes are way better that yours any there's no way that you could prove otherwise even if you brought elephants over the Alps to Rome because while that would be totally awesome due to how impossible it is it wouldn't change the fact your pubes are coarse and crinkly and scratchy and no one could ever possibly want to reach down and pet them because their so pretty like people sometimes randomly do to mine" Scipio Africanus continued shouting apparently heedless of of just how much his very expressive and sexy in a gentle yet masculine single tear was telling his bestest frenemy in the world.

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Then Scipio Africanus ran away before any of his other less manly tears could escape and blab any of his even darker and more hidden secrets because some unfortunate dudes' tears just don't know when to shut up and it's so embarrassing so stop looking at me.

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Just then a strange woman with a giant grin on her face sidled up to Hannibal and said something that sounded vaguely Germanic.

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Hannibal had no idea what she was saying but thought she sounded very earnest.

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If the English language had been invented yet and if Hannibal Barca would have bothered to learn it then he would have understood that the very earnest woman was telling him that if he took some elephants over the Alps and invaded Rome then Scipio Africanus would be impressed enough to finally admit his love for Hannibal.

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Fortunately Hannibal Barca had already gotten that idea for himself without the help of strangely dressed women or their equally strangely dressed aggressive companions who kept shouting "Romans go home!" very aggresively.

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Hannibal Barca got a bunch of elephants and some other human guys too because it's hard to control a bunch of elephants by yourself and then they all marched away to go over the Alps.

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Stampy stampy stampy stomp stomp stomp went the elephants as they went up the Alps.

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Stampy stampy stampy stomp stomp stomp went the elephants as they went across the Alps.

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Stampy stampy stampy stomp stomp trip bwaaaaaaaah kaboom went one elephants as it fell off the top of the Alps and exploded in a gloriously meaty fireball in the valley below.

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Clearly Hannibal Barca had bought the elephants labeled inflamable when he did not realize that inflamable was the same as flamable and he should have been buying elephants labeled non-flamable.

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Of course non-flamable elephants weren't invented until the Regan administration so even if Hannibal Barca had known what kind of elephants he should have been looking for he would have been out of luck.

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Stampy stampy stampy stomp stomp stomp.

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"Hey is it time for cannibalism yet?" Hannibal Monomachus shouted from his perch on a rock where he was already gnawing on a suspiciously human looking leg bone.

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"No now knock it the fuck off with your constant talk about cannibalism!" Hannibal Barca shouted back piteously.

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"We're all cannibals!" shouted Hannibal Monomachus gleefully.

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"No we're not!" Hannibal Barca shouted back.

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"Yes we are!" Hannibal Monomachus shouted flamboyantly.

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"For the last time we're not and why can't you just eat the pizza we brought with us like a normal pizza eating person who is not a cannibal? It's people like you who give dudes named Hannibal a bad name. Don't you know that someday in some language Hannibal and cannibal might fucking rhyme?!?"

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Hannibal Monomachus just belched loudly and coughed up some human fingers the way a cat coughs up a hairball and then happily went back to his totally not a dead dude meal.

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"Seriously screw you Monomachus! I'm taking your elephant and I'm gonna leave you in the Alps so you won't get to see me impress Scipio so much with my mad elephant skillz that he takes me off to make out in Rome's awesomest elephant grveyard" Hannibal Barca shouted heartbreakingly.

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"I'm uninviting you to my next poetry reading too you big jerk!" Hannibal Barca shouted emphatically for good measure.

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"Why don't any of my friends respect my boundaried???" Hannibal Barca wailed mournfully.

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"Whatevz man" Hannibal Monomachus casually shouted back and then farted out a human skull but was otherwise unperturbed.

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Stampy stampy stampy stomp stomp stomp went the remaining non-exploded elephants as they went down the other side of the Alps.

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Stampy stampy stampy stomp stomp stomp went the elephants as ~~the author~~ Hannibal Barca tried to figure out which way he was supposed to be holding his map because he didn't have any real ides where the Alps were in relation to Rome.

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Stampy stampy stampy stomp stomp stomp went the elephants as Hannibal Barca refused to pull over and ask for directions.

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Stampy stampy stampy stomp stomp stomp went the elephants as they accidentally trampled a random strangely dressed woman who had been running down the road and unbenounsted to Hannibal Barca or his friends and elephants was Marathon Nonnie who had gotten separated from her fellow time traveling friends and/or frenemies and was running down the road because I'm pretty sure that is what Marathon Nonnies are supposed to do.

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_[Author's Note: One time somebody tried to claim Marathon was a video game but that is dumb because a video game about running a marathon would be almost as boring as that one where you have to drive a bus to Las Vegas.]_

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Chompy chompy chompy gnaw gnaw gnaw went Hannibal Monomachus's teeth went as he scavenged Marathon Nonnie's remains.

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Twang twang went the space time continum happily like a perfectly tuned guitar string because it is impossible to change history and this was always Marathon Nonnie's unavoidable once and future fate.

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The universe hummed contentedly to itself because it was once again experiencing the satisfaction of a job well done but no one else who was paying attention would properly appreciate the music of its spheres so there wasn't anyone besides itself who was worth humming to.

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"This is ridiculous!!1" Hannibal Barca shouted angrily.

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Stampy stampy stampy stomp stomp stomp.

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"This was a dumb idea!"

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Stampy stampy stampy stomp stomp stomp.

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"I should have put these elephants on a boat and sailed them to Rome!"

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Stampy stampy stampy stomp stomp stomp.

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"This riding them over the Alps shit is giving me a rash on both butt cheeks and elephants are stupid and stinky and I didn't think they were supposed to explode when they fall off mountains but they keep doing it!!! What the fuck is up with that??!!??!!"

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Stampy stampy stampy stomp stomp stomp.

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"Also I should have gone with llamas becuase they're cuter and way more cuddly!"

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Stampy stampy stampy stomp stomp stomp.

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"I don't care if they haven't been discovered by western cultures yet!" He emphatically shouted in an even more shouty manner than before and angrily stomped his foot on the elephant he was riding on top of on.

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The elephant Hannibal Barca had stomped merely made some kind of grunty farty soundy deep in its giant sinuses which was not much of a counterargument at all so all judges of the debate acreed that Hannibal Barca won.

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The elephant was really embarrassed at losing and lied to its mother claiming it had debated so articulately it won a scholarship to the accredited university just for debating elephants.

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Three days later it ran away and joined the circus under a false name where it spent the whole summer throwing knives at scantily clad women.

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The circus did not have a throwing knived at scantily clad women act the elephant just liked to do that sort of thing.

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Finally the circus had to call the police and the elephant went to jail and was finally written out of the story forever and it was such a relief for everyone involved because it was a horrible elephant and not worth reading about at all.

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Meanwhile back at Hannibal Barca's ill advised road trip:

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Stampy stampy stampy stomp stomp stomp went the elephants as they finally got pointed in the right direction after seeing the billboards advertising Rome's awesomest elephant graveyard right in the heart of the city where any elephant famous enough to be worth knowing went to die and all the ones who weren't famous enough to be worth knowing went to creepily fondle the bones of the famous dead elephants like the big pervy semi-nercophiliacs they are.

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Hannibal jumped down from his new and much better than that horrible previous one elephant and pausing only to discreetly scratch at the harshly abraided rash on his ass triumphantly shouted "Get your ass out here Scipio Africanus!"

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"No!!!" came the shouted response from somewhere nearby.

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"I know you're so impressed by my awesome elephants I've brought brought to the awesomest elephant graveyard in rome that you have no choice but admit your totally gay for me!!" Hannibal shouted as confidently as he could while silently thanking the gods he was not just shouting at himself.

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"I don't have to admit anything because it isn't true you lying liar who lies lies of lyingness" Scipio Africanus shouted menacingly.

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He then stepped out from behind the gravestone where he had spent the last month camping and wishing Hannibal Barca would hurry up and get his stupid elephants to the awesomest elephant graveyard in Rome so they could have this confrontation.

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"Totally gay for me" Hannibal braggingly shouted again.

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"If you say that again I'll shut you up by showing my dick in your mouth!" Scipio shouted and unzipped his toga pants to show that he meant business.

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"Not if I stick my dick in your mouth first!" Hannibal Barca shouted back gleefully tearing his pants off in a manly and totally heterosexual no homo you guys manner.

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"You could both shove your dicks in eachother's mouths at the same time if you got down on the ground and sixty-nined!" the earnest strangely dressed nameless woman who could only be the same earnest and strangely dressed woman Hannibal had breviously seen before but not learned her name helpfully shouted from where she was sitting in a tall nearby tree where she had a good view of all the action.

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She was still shouting in English though so neither man understood her.

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"Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam lovely spam wonderful spam spam spam spam!!!!" the nameless woman's aggressive nameless companion shouted and then dragged her into a kiss in order to shut her up.

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The earnest woman wrapped her arms around the owner of the tongue which was already lustily invading her mouth and earnestly kissed back.

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Hannibal and Scipio forgot their quarrel and stared at the two women until their frantic groping caused them to fall out of the tree and land in a conveniently placed giant heap of pillows which the earnest woman and placed there in the sincere hope that she could convince Hannibal and Scipio to lounge around in while discussing military strategy and giving each other backrubs with scented oil.

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"Dudes stop with the male gaze and objectification of women you guys make me sick" shouted the elephant Hannibal had ridden in on.

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The elephant stomped off to find some bones of famous dead elephants to fondle.

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"Good luck walking home without me you loser" the elephant hautily shouted at Hannibal over its shoulder as it went.

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The surrounding pillows collapsed in around the two women and they were lost from view but the aggressive one's shout of "He's not the messiah! He's a very naughty boy!" echoed through the graveyard as she reached her climax over and over again with the earnest one's tongue buried in her deilcately pineapple and garum scented moist inner folds.

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"Well that happened" Scipio shouted to be heard over the sound of the earnest one's squealing shuddering aftershocks of pleasure as the aggressive one began to return the favor. "I forget what was it we were going to do? Something about me stabbing you with my dick?" he shouted excitedly.

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"Ha you wish! I was going to stab you with my dick idiot and then you were going to admit that your totally gay for me!!" Hannibal shouted back.

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Before either man could say anymore there was a great rumbling not of the earth but of the spiritual plane so it probably had less to do with the happy lesbians in the giant heap of pillows and more to do with the angry elephant ghosts that were now floating in the air and glaring at the men while politely averting their eyes from the lesbians to give them some privacy because elephants are classy creatures and only get classier after they've been in the afterlife for a while.

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"Bwaaaaah! Who dares to disturb our rest puny but horny looking humans?!?!?" shouted the meaner looking ghost elephant coldly.

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"Yeah what's up with you assholes running around shouting about dicks in our awesomest elephant graveyard while we're trying to be dead and those two ladies are trying to get it on with each other??? Woooooo...!!!" shouted the slightly more sympathetic looking but no less intimidating ghost elephant shouted spectrally.

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"We were going to swordfight with our dicks and the loser was going to have to admit he was gay for the winner while the winner gloated at the losers loss of honor gravitas and social standing due to confessing a desire to be penetrated!" shouted Hannibal because even though the ghost elephants had very big ears he wasn't sure how well they worked because they were dead.

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"Life's too short for that bullshit!!" shouted the angry looking elephant disbelievingly.

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"Just boop dicks and hug it out fellas. You'll both feel better for it" shouted the more sympatheric elephant encouragingly.

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And so that's exactly what Hannibal Barca and Scipio Africanus did. When the heads of their dicks gently collided with each other they made the cutest little "boop" sound and there was a thrilling explosion of rainbow colored light.

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There was also a click and a flash of regular white light as the earnest Hannibal/Scipio Shipping Nonny paused in her tender ministrations to her new lover just long enough to take the photo which she had traveled so many hundreds of years back in time to get.

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Hannibal and Scipio had always unknowingly been soulmates but now that they had booped dicks they were now soul-married and both freely admitted they were gay for eachother without any threats or other coersion from the opposite party.

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"I want your gloriously huge penis so far up my bottom it comes out mouth and I don't care who knows it!" Hannibal shouted joyfully.

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"You'll have to wait your turn because I want yours up mine first!" Scipio lovingly shouted back. "Also you really do have soft pettable pubes! I was just lying about them being sparse and scratchy before because it was the only way I could think of to get your attention!!!"

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"Oh kiss me Cornelius!" Hannibal shouted giddily as he flung his arms around the shoulders of his newly married soul-husband.

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"Let's go find somewhere without dead elephants and fuck until we're both too chafed and dehydrated to even consider fucking anymore!"

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"You are sexy and have the best ideas!"

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And the two men majestically strode off hand in hand to do just that.

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The ghost elephants trumpeted their approval and vanished back into the aether until the next time two hardheaded generals needed to be pushed together and told to boop dicks for the good of everyone's love life.

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And that is the true history of how elephants participated in and eventually helped end the second pubic wars.

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Meanwhile in the time travelers' nest of pillows:

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Overly Earnest Anon and Overly Aggressive Anon were discussing their future.

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"Do you think we should get soul-married too?" Overly Earnest Anon shouted lovingly fighting to be heard over the sound of how awesome the sex they just had was.

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"For fuck's sake no!" shouted Overly Aggressive Anon venomously. "That's a terrible idea and you damn well know it."

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"Getting soul-married is an undeniable disadvantage at tax time!" Overly Earnest Anon shouted in agreement.

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"All those lawmakers who can never get soul-married because they don't have souls sure are lucky that particular law worked out in their favor!" Overlly Earnest Anon shouted thoughtfully a few moments later.

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"They're scum sucking parasites and they all deserve to die deaths by falling cactus!!" Overly Aggresive Anon shouted vehimetly.

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"The we should celebrate the fact that we're here and they're not!" Overly Earnest Anon shouted soothingly.

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"Okay!"

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Soon after that Overly Aggressive Anon was once again sweatily shouting "Wink wink nudge nudge" as she was once again brought to orgasm by her earnest lover yet again.

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Later as Overly Earnest Anon lay stretched out under the stars and admiring her digital photo of Hannibal Barca and Scipio Africanus booping dicks she was struck by a sudden sense of having forgotten something.

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"I can't help feeling like we've forgotten something!!" Overly Earnest Anon shouted muzzily in an attempt to keep from falling asleep but Overly Aggressive Anon was already curled up asleep against Overly Earnest Anon's side and Overly Earnest Anon drifted off soonafter.

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Whatever they had forgotten would be remembered soon enough.

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Probably.

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And they lived happily ever after.

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They _all_ lived happily after.

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Except ~~Loki~~ Marathon Nonnie

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who was already dead.

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THE END

**Author's Note:**

> See I told you there really was a story here and not just a placeholder.


End file.
